my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
