Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
So much Jack, so little girl.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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