we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
