I think I won the penis lottery.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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