something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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