my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
