i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
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I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
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If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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