I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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