so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
