....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
