I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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