I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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