Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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