Ambien. No doubt about it.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
