She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
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