So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize