never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
