I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
