my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize