promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
