I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
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