Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I wish you could order shots online.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
