He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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