winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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