Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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