I want to walk on stilts...naked
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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