omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
