I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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