Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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