i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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