Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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