we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
