Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
