I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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