Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
