omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
