Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
