Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
