Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
