The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
