the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
