I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
