Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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