My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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