Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
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The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
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he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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