and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
the raccoons are back...
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