May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We don't watch enough power rangers
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
