i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
