lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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