i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
