I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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