Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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