Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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