My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
She made me pour olive oil on her.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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