i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
