Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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