I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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