just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
